The toughest word in the English language may be one with just two letters: ‘‘No.’’
Whether we’re being asked to cat sit for our sister’s incontinent feline while she jets to Europe for a month, to donate to charity when checking out at the grocery store or explaining to our boss we can’t possibly complete three projects in as many days, “no” doesn’t come as easy as “yes.”
“People have a difficult time saying no, because they think they’ll feel guilty if they do,” says Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist, executive coach and author of “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days.” “They feel obligated to say yes and ultimately cave to social pressure.”
Studies have found people who can say “no” in a professional setting are more successful. They know how to prioritize and understand they can’t be part of everything.
Even Warren Buffett — perhaps one of the most successful men in the world, and certainly one of the wealthiest — is quoted as saying “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
Turning down a request can be especially tough in a face-to-face situation where we don’t have an opportunity to think about our response as the person doing the asking pesters and pushes trying to turn our “no” into a “yes.”
Thing is, saying “yes” all the time isn’t good for your physical or mental well-being, say experts. Overextending yourself by agreeing to everything you’re asked to do can sap your energy. Mentally, you’re so focused on others you may forget yourself.
The perception is if you say no you’re being selfish, says Jeffrey Root, a psychologist with St. Peter’s Health Partners in Troy.
“That is one of the dynamics that pops up all the time, but selfish isn’t necessarily a negative or positive term,” says Root. “Taking time to take care of yourself would be defined by some as selfish, but really that’s a healthy thing to do.”
Constant “yes-ing” can also cause you to feel resentful. People who are known for always agreeing to what’s asked often end up being taken for granted, says Root. They feel underappreciated, and undervalued.
Saying no is also important for others’ well-being, says Root, a psychologist who has been practicing for more than 25 years. He uses the example of someone who always asks to borrow money. If you regularly oblige, you’re aiding in their weakness.
“If you always acquiesce and become the bank, they never meet up with their bad choices,” he says. “Sometimes being helpful is the worst choice you can make because you’re depriving people the chance to make right.”
So what are the most-effective ways to say no? Experts offer these tips:
Plan your ‘no’: Sometimes, you know an ask is coming. Formulate your response and be prepared for follow-up questions, or for the asker to try to poke holes in your reasoning.
Give yourself time: Tell your friend or family member or co-worker you will get back to them the next day. This gives you time to debate the “yes” and “no” devils in your head, and allows you to formulate a fair, logical response.
Be direct: People feel they have to offer a lengthy explanation for their no and have to justify it. Sometimes, no is simply no. For people soliciting donations, one can simply say “No, I’m not in a position to donate at this time” — that’s it. If the relationship is more personal, such as a friend asking for a favor, you might respond by saying “I’m sorry, I can’t, but perhaps another time.”
Make eye contact: Body language can speak as clearly as words. If you’re shirking away and or don’t look confident, the person doing the asking may push harder, getting you to relent. Confidence in your decision is important.
Don’t feel guilty: Being a constant “yes” person may make you more likable for a moment. But, in the long run, you become a doormat. Understanding helping out is good, but not always necessary.
Be respectful of the person asking: Even if you feel the charity they’re raising money for isn’t one you’d choose, don’t be rude or insert your personal position. A “no” is a “no,” no matter the reason.
Set established boundaries: People have a hard time saying “no” because they haven’t taken the time to evaluate their relationships, as well as their role within the relationship. When you have given all of this significant thought, you’ll feel more empowered and not as worried about the consequences of saying “no.” You start to realize your colleagues or friends won’t give you the cold shoulder or hate you forever if you say “no” because you have a defined and existing relationship.
Put the questioning back on the asker, with a solution: If your supervisor is asking you to take on more than you can handle well at work, say “I can do X, Y and Z, but I would need three weeks, rather than two, to do a good job. How would you like me to prioritize?”
Say “no” now, rather than later: It’s far less harmful to say “no” when the original ask comes in than to agree to something and bail. Understand your limitations, and be honest from the onset.
Now what? From Jeffrey Root, a psychologist with St. Peter’s Health Partners in Troy.
>> For starters: If you’ve gotten in the habit of saying yes to everyone, changing your approach will take time.
>> Don’t get discouraged when: You crack and your “no” becomes a “yes.” You will have many more opportunities to decline requests.
>> If that still doesn’t work: Remind yourself people won’t lose respect for you or dislike you if you say no. No one can say yes constantly.
Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.Sources: Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist, executive coach and author of “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days”; Margot Brown, author of “Kickstart Your Relationship;” Jeffrey Root, a psychologist with St. Peter’s Health Partners in Troy.
(Story written by Features editor Kristi Barlette she can be reached at kbarlette@timesunion.com)
